While attending a public event recently, I found myself drawn to a particular display booth of an organization that helps others who have experienced the violence of abuse. As I browsed through their brochures, tip sheets and other “giveaways”, I began to think about how relationships can nurture and support or can demean and erode the wellbeing of another. I know that choosing who is around you can make a big difference in your life just as much as whom you choose to be. Several questions came to my mind.
- How often do those living with pain experience healthy vs. “sick” relationships?
- What is the impact of these relationships on their pain?
- How common is the cause of someone’s pain a result of abuse, neglect or indifference from so-called “loved ones” or caregivers?
- How do we know if we are in the midst of an unhealthy relationship (whether we live with pain or not)?
I began to reflect back on stories shared with me in confidence by some pretty terrific women I know. I admit to being surprised when I heard of their horror of relationships past. I also started to think about my own personal stories of toxic relationships in the workplace, at home and in social settings. There is a common denominator here–of powerful life lessons, that not all of us are blessed to survive and thrive. Not all of us come out the other side to find beauty, strength, love and support again. For those of us who do, we owe it to “pay it forward” by helping each other in more positive and motivating ways—sharing our unique experiences and wisdom.
My pearl to you is this: Keep the toxic influences at bay, the best you can. Surround yourself with others who make you feel you can be you, accept you for who you are and inspire you to become better every day. “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”[Maya Angelou]
So, how do you even know if you are in a healthy relationship? Here are some questions to think about:
- Does your partner respect you and your beliefs or is your opinion criticized so that you feel belittled?
- Do you feel like you can be yourself or do you feel you must hide the real you?
- Is your partner supportive of the things you do or is missing in action?
- Does your partner get extremely jealous or possessive?
- Does your partner try to control what you do and who you see and when?
- Are you feeling that you must “watch your back” and afraid your relationship might turn more clearly abusive (mentally, physically, sexually)?
Note: “Partner” can be defined as family members, friends, colleagues, significant others, and/or spouses.
Look, everyone deserves healthy relationships, so being in a relationship with others should not cause ongoing hurt or bad feelings. See how you measure up and take the Relationship Quiz.
To read more about relationships, see: Comfort or Chaos: Are You in a Healthy Relationship?
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What Do I Do If?
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Get help right away.
- Talk to a trusted friend, relative, pastor/minister or counselor.
- Contact a crisis hotline.
- If you are afraid you will be hurt for reaching out, call your local domestic violence shelter or the police.
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Offer support.
- Believe them and confirm that you have seen it too (if you have)
- Tell them you would like to help; offer to be a support person for them.
- Recognized that people who are being abused are often afraid.
- Do not take it personally if the person is angry with you or does not want your help.
- Tell another person – a trusted friend, relative, pastor/minister, teacher, or counselor.
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There is a way to get help to stop.
- Most people do not want to hurt others, especially the people they love.
- Talk to someone you trust, like a friend, relative, pastor/minister, teacher, or counselor.
If you become violent when you use alcohol or other drugs, ask for help for substance abuse.
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- Toll-free, 24- hour Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or www.thehotline.org
- Call 911 or the police.
- Talk to a trained professional counselor.
I found myself thinking back on similar relationships in my past too. “What does not kill us makes us stronger” comes to mind. I am happy to hear that this information resonates with to you and hopefully others. Far too many live with chronic pain from the hands of others who have mistreated them and hurt them physically as well as emotionally. These are secrets often held on to so very tightly for fear of being further stigmatized. I fear that as people with pain are continued to be mistreated and mis-understood— health care providers are unknowingly adding to yet another layer of abuse. Where is that research?
Great article Micke. Chock full of valuable info. It reminded me of several relationships I have had in the past that were very toxic. Did not start out that way, I was blinded at first by the charm and “caring” then the boom dropped when I tried to do something on my own; or I was not available when they wanted me to be; when I did anything that did not keep them in the center of attention and control.
These days I have fewer friends but the ones I do have are loyal, supportive and allow me freedom to be me. I always feel at home with them and NEVER feel threatened or insecure around them. And I feel more at ease and less distress. I choose when I am with my friends. No pressure.