The last few months have been hard on me. I’ve been trying to catch up and wrap my mind around the changes I see happening in my body. I have meant to share more of the journey with you. It has gotten harder to access the internet at the moment. I do think of all of you here and hope you have gentle days.
One thing I do know is all things change.
the following was written on 8-16-16
things are clearer now
all things change
Drama and tension on the dock last week. The trouble had been brewing and I let myself get drawn in. It all stems from to many people living on the dock and the use and misuse of the clubhouse.
For my part (Though I was involved) it was all my other issues that vented on an available target.
My health is the elephant in the room. From the outside things don’t look much different than a year ago. That is due to two reasons. First I’ve gotten good at workarounds and in the new environment that is more noticeable. Secondly I limit how much people can see me.
By eating the same basic meals I’ve been able to develop a master shopping list. Bob and Jessee take me to the same store so I know where things are more or less. At least I don’t get overwhelmed and am able to shop once a month. One other short trip for fresh veggies and I’m good for the month.
The reality is I run on automatic. There is no extra mental or physical energy. I manage to feed myself and Ms. Kitty and the laundry gets done. I try and carve a few hours when I can. Sometimes I’m successful. Three or four nights a week I struggle to make dinner. As many times a month dinner consists of a can of pasta or chili. Three or four times a month it’s easier to give it up as a bad idea and try again the next day. I have no idea at what point things become unworkable. What happens next? how much control will I have at that point? How much will it matter? I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of not dying. What will I look like in five years? ten years? How long before it drives me crazy?
For now my focus has to be on “right now”. There is no looking ahead. The landscape and rules change to quickly to allow more.
I don’t have to worry about tonight’s dinner. There are shrimp if I get the energy to clean them.
I do need to look ahead. I need an exit strategy. Things are workable for now. Eighteen months out even with help, I can’t see it working. If I were stable I could manage it with help. My health is not stable. I’m going to need even more help a year from now. I have no idea what I need for help now never mind a year or eighteen months out.
Part of me worries about giving up control. The reality is that as my world shrinks events outside my sphere of control have less importance. My time and energy go to keeping my world together.
For now I want to spend my time and energy enjoying the “good” nature puts in front of me. It doesn’t matter that later I don’t remember the sparkle of sun on the water, for now it’s enough.
I have written the next bit and will enter it as soon as I have the energy
take care of each other and have a gentle day
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