[bd]

I’m sorry I’ve been away. I have been after bd to post for me but somehow it never gets done. It’s OK. He does the best he can and always makes sure I have a safe place to live well mostly safe.
We had a BIG storm last weekend. Rain and thunder showers started on Friday. The wind picked and by Saturday had pushed a lot of water into the bayou. It was a long jump to the dock when I had to go ashore to use the giant litterbox at the end of the dock and an even longer on back aboard.
Sunday morning several people called to see if we were ok. Bd said it was no big deal just some showers and a little wind. There had been storms west of us. Around noon bd’s phone buzzed it said there was a tornado comin to kill us at any second and we should hide for the next several hours. Bd told me we were safe and after checking to make sure everything was secure topsides we hunkered down in the cabin. The wind and rain came in sidewise. the power went out. The jib on a boat at the end of the dock worked an edge loose and beat itself to ribbons. I sat in bd’s lap and he watched a movie till things quieted down a little. When the rain stopped bd sat in the cockpit and visited with Jessee and his BIG dog Louis. The water was up to the decking on the dock. There was no way I was getting off the boat.
After a bit the power came on then about 8:30 the power to our boat went of. Bd went to reset the breaker but before he got there it started to pour and he came back soaked without resetting the power. He was wet and no power meant no heat so he went to bed and watched another movie. The boat was still bouncing around so I curled up with bd. Then after the lights were out it happened. The dark and the bouncing finally got to me. I got seasick. It was terrible. And no throwing up did not make me feel any better! Bd got up and cleaned things up. He was up and down all night anyway. He even watched a video at 3 o’clock in the morning.
I always felt safe. I knew bd would protect me. I just wish the boat hadn’t bounced for so long.
for now the dock is quiet and the water is on the outside of the boat so all is well in my world
meow
Ms. Kitty

[bd]

The last few days have been warm. When the cold and snow went across the country last week our temps went down to 28 overnight. Ms. Kitty and I stayed below for three days. Now the nights are in the mid 50’s and day time temps are in the 70’s. There has been some turn-over of the boats here. For now there is one less live aboard. The boat next to me left and has been replaced with an empty boat so my space is quieter.
have a gentle day and take care of each other
quack quack
bd

[bd]

Welcome Fortunateone
My pain journey started in the late 70’s. A lot of the docs I saw originally are retired or dead. hospitals have closed. Keep track of all your own records visit by visit.
One of the most frustrating parts of the pain journey is the lack of doctors. There are some horrible docs out there. There are also a lot that are overworked and have no idea where to even begin with some-one with such complex issues. I’ve had docs swear “I’m with you and we’ll figure it out”. Ten tests later they’re out of ideas and I’m on my own. Then there the few AMAZING docs that get it even if they don’t have the answers they take the time to learn and at least support you. Advise from my favorite doc “listen to and trust your body you know it best”
I hope the docs figure out what is happening to you and can put it right. You found a good community when you stumbled in here. We’ll support you while the docs fix you. If they can’t we’ll help you find ways to get through the journey
for now think about the group calls and chats
have a gentle day
quack quack
bd and Ms. Kitty

[bd]

Barb
I agree. I wish doctors would believe us. I once had a doc tell me I couldn’t be in the pain I described. His reasoning? if I were I would be on pain meds and since I wasn’t I couldn’t hurt that bad. Needless to say it was my first and only visit to that doc.
take care of each other and have a gentle day
quack quack
bd

[bd]

Don’t tell bd but I’ve secretly made friends with the neighbor’s cats. I follow Sampson ashore though he still gets ahead of me and I lose track of him. His sister Delilah is a goof. She doesn’t see well and is more cautious. She comes to see bd for short visits. Scorch comes and plunks himself down to visit. We’re not buddies but we don’t fight. The other evening we were all on the dock soaking the last of the sun before it disappeared.
meow
Ms. Kitty

[bd]

Drifting
I spend much if my time “drifting”. With no control over what my body will allow me to do at any given time I’ve fallen into a pattern of drifting through the day. I get up in the morning and deal with what’s in front of me. Ms. Kitty gets fed first. She wouldn’t let me forget that for long. Then it’s updating my logbook with the daily weather and battery stats while I make coffee and breakfast. That’s where I can start to drift. I lose the “timeline” for the day and “drift” into what ever is in front of me. Sometimes that’s more entries in the log. I may get into a project or a video. The goal is to make it to the end of the day and later through the night.
Drifting makes it easier to escape what my body has planned for the day. It’s a good thing when I can loose myself in a book for a day. It’s frustrating when that means I missed chat or something else equally important to me. I don’t waste energy feeling bad. I’m more thankful I was able to be distracted.
For some the idea of drifting may sound like depression. I can assure you that is not the case with me. I continue to take care of myself and be creative. I am constantly amazed at the good I find in each day; and am blessed with friends and family.
I do think of you all even when I’m lost in space.
for now take care of each other and have a gentle day
quack quack
bd

[bd]

I’ve been caught! exposed!!
My son has finished reading my handwritten daily log books for my first year aboard. I gave them to him for safe keeping. I knew he would and am glad he is reading them. He sad that he could see the waves of pain and muscle spasms in the word by word changes in my handwriting. There are a lot more indicators of what condition my condition is in besides the words themselves.

I have been a hermit all his life. After the first year of entries his conclusion was “You may be a hermit, but you like people”. It’s a lie! A vicious lie, made up and spread to destroy a fine reputation I’ve spent years building.
for now
have a gentle day and take care of each other
quack quack
bd

[bd]

You’re right YaYa.
Long ago I learned the smile and stock safe responses. I don’t care what others think. In this case it was even a concern from what he heard in my voice so it was not a casual question. And yes he got a safe stock answer.
I think the take away truth is I’m less healthy than I was when he saw me a few months ago. I’m not ever going to be that healthy again. I’m OK with that. It’s part of the reason I keep to myself. The facts of all of our ailments are horrifying to even those closest to us. When asked that question by those who see and care, the answer is simple you just have to look in their eyes and they know or they don’t.
For now take care of each other and have a gentle day
quack quack
bd

[bd]

The weather has shifted. “Cold” has come to Florida. My muscles are tight and everything hurts. After a week and a half I realized that my congestion and cough is just my body’s response to the cold. They will fade away over the next month or so as long as I stay “healthy”. I was worn down to start with and the difficulty breathing has sapped my energy even more. I manage to get from one end of the day to the other. My dock mate took me shopping yesterday so I’ve got food.
I talked to a friend on the phone yesterday. He said I didn’t sound good and asked if I was ok. What could I say? No I’m not OK. None of us are “OK”. There’s nothing to do but keep trying to get through to tomorrow and then do it again.
for now have a gentle day and take care of each other
quack quack
bd

[bd]

It’s official. Bd has lost it!
He told me the other day that I had to be careful, tat there were birds that would eat me if they got a chance. Everybody knows that CATS eat birds! It’s not the other way around. Facts are facts. Cats eat birds. Now some birds eat worms and some eat fish but still cats eat birds. Still bd insists that the birds called eagles that now fish here would eat me if they had a chance. I’m a grown cat and don’t believe in monster stories!
I think he’s just trying to scare me. I have been going ashore more. Bd doesn’t know it but I’ve made friends with the neighborhood cats. Sampson and I go prowling when bd isn’t looking.
Meow
Ms. Kitty

[bd]

CATS!!!
they’re everywhere!
Bd has been taking care of the neighbors cats while they were away. I tried to register my complaints by peeing in their litterbox. Now even though their humans are back the cats think they can just come aboard the Lonoh any time they want. There are to many of them and they are everywhere! They’ve even started coming below. At least they haven’t touched any of my stuff.
They can come aboard if they want. I’ll be grumpy but bd tells me they’re just lonely and looking for attention. I also know that I’m the one that bd snuggles with when it’s cold or he’s sore.
meow
Ms. Kitty

[bd]

We have Wi-Fi on the dock now.
My son came and spent a week. That seems like a lifetime ago. awe had a great time. Unfortunately I did not listen to my body when it told me to slow down. I managed to keep it up until I got up to walk Caleb to his car to leave. My back muscles locked up. I went into a full myofascial pain flair. For the next few days my back was so tight that every time I tried to move I passed out. Even unconscious my muscles stayed locked and I’d come to in the same position. I’m better now. It only took three weeks to recover.
Cool weather has arrived. The ac has been packed away and I’m enjoying the time before the heater needs to come out. The nights are cold. At least the low 50’s feels cold. I have a warm sleeping bag so I’m fine. The days have warmed up and been beautiful. I have been sleeping a lot trying to regain what energy I can.
Ms. Kitty has been spending more time off the boat. Yesterday she came back aboard with a lizard hanging out of her mouth. She dropped it on the aft deck and it immediately dashed under a coil of line. Ms. Kitty spent the next hour trying to track it down. I told her I would be very unhappy if it ran across my face while I was asleep. I haven’t seen it so I’m hoping it’s found it’s way ashore.
that’s all for now
have a gentle day and take care of each other
quack quack
bd

[bd]

written 9-6-16
The hurricane has passed. A category 1 storm hit east of here Thursday night. The four boats in our family worked well as a team.
recovering in the cockpit yesterday I was reminded of bits and pieces that let several puzzle pieces fit together.
First from Dr. Ireland:
“Listen to your body. You know it better than the docs.”
That beyond medical issues. Sometimes the need to stop or rest is designed to leave you “in the right place at the right time”
Second:
I know that hawks are my “totem”. I need them to be able to find me. I’m amazed at their ability to do that.
Third:
I know when it’s time I can follow the road into my meditation and be done. Understanding that takes the fear out of the future.
Last:
I remember these truths since earliest childhood.
for now
take care of each other and have a gentle day
bd
quack quack

[bd]

The last few months have been hard on me. I’ve been trying to catch up and wrap my mind around the changes I see happening in my body. I have meant to share more of the journey with you. It has gotten harder to access the internet at the moment. I do think of all of you here and hope you have gentle days.
One thing I do know is all things change.
the following was written on 8-16-16
things are clearer now
all things change
Drama and tension on the dock last week. The trouble had been brewing and I let myself get drawn in. It all stems from to many people living on the dock and the use and misuse of the clubhouse.
For my part (Though I was involved) it was all my other issues that vented on an available target.
My health is the elephant in the room. From the outside things don’t look much different than a year ago. That is due to two reasons. First I’ve gotten good at workarounds and in the new environment that is more noticeable. Secondly I limit how much people can see me.
By eating the same basic meals I’ve been able to develop a master shopping list. Bob and Jessee take me to the same store so I know where things are more or less. At least I don’t get overwhelmed and am able to shop once a month. One other short trip for fresh veggies and I’m good for the month.
The reality is I run on automatic. There is no extra mental or physical energy. I manage to feed myself and Ms. Kitty and the laundry gets done. I try and carve a few hours when I can. Sometimes I’m successful. Three or four nights a week I struggle to make dinner. As many times a month dinner consists of a can of pasta or chili. Three or four times a month it’s easier to give it up as a bad idea and try again the next day. I have no idea at what point things become unworkable. What happens next? how much control will I have at that point? How much will it matter? I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of not dying. What will I look like in five years? ten years? How long before it drives me crazy?
For now my focus has to be on “right now”. There is no looking ahead. The landscape and rules change to quickly to allow more.
I don’t have to worry about tonight’s dinner. There are shrimp if I get the energy to clean them.
>
>
>
8-18-16
I do need to look ahead. I need an exit strategy. Things are workable for now. Eighteen months out even with help, I can’t see it working. If I were stable I could manage it with help. My health is not stable. I’m going to need even more help a year from now. I have no idea what I need for help now never mind a year or eighteen months out.
Part of me worries about giving up control. The reality is that as my world shrinks events outside my sphere of control have less importance. My time and energy go to keeping my world together.
For now I want to spend my time and energy enjoying the “good” nature puts in front of me. It doesn’t matter that later I don’t remember the sparkle of sun on the water, for now it’s enough.
>
>
I have written the next bit and will enter it as soon as I have the energy
for now
take care of each other and have a gentle day
bd
quack quack

[bd]

It’s been a long week. The hurricane passed to the east of us. That left us on the safe side. The winds were from the north and sucked the water out of the bayou rather than the big storm surge on the eastern side. My family on the dock had already talked about storms. Wednesday we went over basic plans and started doubling up on dock lines. At that point it looked as if it was going to make landfall here.
Thursday we spent lashing and packing for evacuation if we needed to go. By That time we knew the storm was headed more to the east. I set up Ms. Kitty’s carrier and she crawled into it and went to sleep. As the sun set we gathered at the rv and relaxed. The winds were still from the north and on the dock they were strong but manageable. By 10:30 I went back aboard, opened the hatch over my bunk and fell asleep under windy and partly cloudy skies.
We’ve had more rain since then and that has continued to beat me. The drier weather seems to be here for the next day or so and I’m trying to take advantage of it.
For now
take care of each other and have a gentle day
bd
quack quack

[Author]

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